I cannot logically explain the decision I made.

I just...did it. Y'know?

Looking at myself

 

It's an odd thing, looking at one's self. Catching a glimpse while walking past a mirror, making eye contact when your phone screen turns to black, watching yourself in a video...

It is not something I have readily enjoyed for the majority of my life. There was a time after high school that I did not mind, and in my recent years I do not mind as well. 

In 2004 I was on the staff for a scout camp. Our leader ran us staff members through a team building exercise I will never forget. He had us divide into 2 groups, and one group stood in a circle, facing outward. The second group stood in a circle that enclosed the first, and they all faced inward. So there we all were, in 2 circles looking at each other. We then were instructed to just look at the person opposite us for 3 minutes. No talking. After 3 minutes we would rotate one person, and look at them for 3 minutes. We did this continually and even shuffled positions at one point, and after 2 hours we all had looked at each other for 3 minutes. 

The purpose of the exercise was to use an alternate method of getting to know someone. Now, this may start sounding all holistic and whatnot, but I really enjoyed it. It allowed for me a new, previously unused method of getting to know someone. Looking into one another's eyes allowed us to use non-verbal communication to boost familiarity and friendship. I loved it. 

After that experience, I one day was feeling quite down on myself about this or that, and was generally sad about the direction my life was headed. I felt I had lost site of who I was as a person. So, I decided to try the exercise on myself. I went to a mirror and spent a good hour or so just looking at myself. Getting to know myself. I was able to not only see what others saw when they looked at me, but also heightened my awareness of different non-verbal communications my face gives out. 

I now highly enjoy looking at myself. Not because I find my face so fair to behold or anything, but because it puts me in a place to better know myself. I can see who I am and know that my God loves me for that, and is not wanting me to look like my attractive friends. 

Overall, it is an exercise I highly recommend. 

Happy birthday son!

This is Tommy. He's a stud. I mean, just look at him.

Tommy always makes me happy. He is our firstborn son, and was born on this day in 2009. So he'd be 5 today!

He passed away 3 1/2 years ago. When he was born we found out that his journey would be a bit different than that of most. He was born blind, had hormonal deficiencies, had hydrocephalus, and overall was going to develop slowly. But none of that had the smallest chance of keeping him from lighting up our lives.

As he grew older he started to sleep more and more. We found out that he was having infantile tremors, or seizures, and they were leaving him exhausted. They for the most part were imperceptible.

So thus began many tests and procedures. We were able to get him on some great medication that drastically reduced his seizures.

For a while there, things were great. We had one full month of him being awake, alert, and happy.

One Sunday Nita and I just stayed home and had fun as a family. It was a wonderful day. Tommy was happy. He had no seizures, and overall it was a great day. 

That night we put him down to bed, said we loved him, and left him to sleep. 

Now, I hold a belief in the afterlife. I believe in the nature of the eternal soul. I believe that Tommy left this life, and now dwells with my Heavenly Father. 

I miss the guy. It hurts. A lot. 

But not all happiness is gone. Tommy's siblings continue to light up our lives in their own, unique ways. 

But let it be known that I have a son, his name is Tommy, he passed away, I miss him, I love him, and believe that one day I can see him again.

We love you Tommy!

Why the beard?

As many have noticed, a scraggly-haired rat has taken up permanent residence on the lower half of my face.

Many people have asked me why I am growing it, how long am I growing it, when will I cut it, why is it not in braids yet....

It started about a year ago. Well, for a long time I have dabbled with facial hair. For a while I settled on a goatee and was quite fond of it. I then tried a beard, but quickly decided my face was too fat for it.

Wait, what?

Naw man, forget that.

I decided to loose the fat face and have the beard. The beard became my motivation. In the book My Big Fat Greek Diet, Nick Yphantides describes how he grew his hair out as motivation to lose weight. He called it his Samson Hair. As it grew he would push himself farther.

His results were quite inspiring. So, I decided to do the same with my beard. I have set myself to one year. I cannot trim nor cut it during that time. Every time I want to, I push myself harder. Since I started, I have lost around 45lbs.

However, during all this, I have noticed a very welcome side-effect: I care about myself more. It seems that through a constant desire to make sure my beard is not super-gross as well as losing weight, I have come to respect myself more, be more accepting of my looks, take better care of my body in many ways, and overall have a better outlook on who I am.

I know it is not the desired look for many. I know many stigmas say a faithful, well-put-together, non-serial killer man should not have a beard. I know I am not a member of Z Z Top or Duck Dynasty. All I know is that my life has really improved recently, and my decision to better myself just so a beard looked better on my face really spawned all that.

So the beard grows on. I am unsure of its future once it achieves its Yeard status, but all indicators point towards a long and fluffy life.

TBT: Brad

The mid 90's. This is Brad and me, playing an arcade shooter game.

This was during our trip to Mammoth for a family reunion and campout.
Brad and Mom had just gotten married a few years earlier. When they got married I did not realize too much what all was going on. I was young, did not remember Brad from when we lived in Idaho before, and generally was just happy to see Mom happy.

The first thing I remember about Brad is his hair. My dad had very little, and what he did have was usually sticking out to the side like a clown. Brad had taken us all out for ice cream. I remember seeing some uncomfortable countenances in my siblings. Hey, I was just happy for ice cream.

As time went on they got married and we moved Brad from Pocatello to Rexburg. I remember him telling me that I am welcome to call him whatever I wanted to. I did try 'Dad' for a while. I distinctly remember coming up the step from the family room and stopping by his side as he sat at the kitchen table, tapping him on the shoulder, and calling him Dad. I started to show him what I was wanting to (I believe it was some lego creation) and having to stop halfway through. "I...I feel weird calling you dad," I said.

"That is just fine. Do you feel better calling me Brad?" He replied. I did, and it has been Brad ever since.

Some of my first bonding moments with him were very exciting for me. One day he took me out to Taco Time at the suggestion of my mother. It was so fun sitting there with him talking about whatever, eating crispy tacos. I remember we sat under the neon clock that read "It's always Taco Time!" and conversing about it. Another time I needed a parent volunteer to go with my 4th grade class to the Civil Defense Caves. Brad opted in, and I remember him sitting there on a bench at the Kennedy Elementary School as I talked to my friends. I felt bad for leaving him there alone, so I went and talked with him. Then at the caves we shared a lunch at the cave opening. I was very excited to finally have Snak Paks in my lunch.

Over the years Brad has become much more than a Step Father to me. He has become a friend, a mentor, a provider, an example, and most importantly a Father. I have desired to call him Dad many times. While that title is held in high regard to me due to its original bearer being taken from me, it now does apply to Brad. I have 2 Dads, and I love them both so much. 

Who am I?

I figure this is a great place to start.

Who am I?

If you are here you most likely know already. If you do not, here goes:

I am the seventh child. I was born in Rexburg in 1986 while my family lived in Rigby, as the latter had no hospital. Ahead of me were 4 sisters and 2 brothers.

When I was under two years old we moved to Upper-State New York. I was gifted with a strong memory of my earlier years. I feel this was a gift to better prepare me for the death of my father when I was seven.

After his death, we moved back to Idaho, where I have lived ever since. My mother remarried, and now I have a wonderful stepfather and another wonderful sister.

I lived for 2 years in Brazil, where I served as a volunteer proselyte for the church that I frequent. While there I learned Portuguese and became a Brazilian at heart.

After returning to the United States, I met and married Nita Bitter. I am madly in love with her. She is hot. There is no denying that.

We have 3 kids. One passed away when he was a year and a half. Tommy is survived by his sister Julie and his brother Lewis.

I have worked a grand variety of vocations. I have been a repairman, deliveryman, pizza cook, pizza delivery, farmhand, cake decorator, photographer, bear caretaker, petting zoo caretaker, varsity scout camp staffer, restaurant host, restaurant server, cook, graphic designer, sign maker, and technical support, to name a few. Due to this I have developed an interest in a great many things, and have many hobbies.

This blog will cover religion, lifestyle, technology, family, video games, outdoors, art, and really whatever else is bouncing around my head. I will share here that which I hesitate to share in open circles in real life or in social media. This is because one needs to choose to be here. If you are reading this you have made a conscious decision to partake of my thoughts. That makes this a medium that I can use to share things I would hesitate to otherwise, for fear of offending others.

Please regard all my posts as being in the AMA format. This stands for Ask Me Anything. I love to have discussions, and would love to answer any questions on anything I post.

Also, thank you to my good friend Dee for the name of my blog.