is what I tell myself when I am depressed. I don't mean to. I am not actively making that decision to be so mean.
"Seriously, look at your friends. Ever wonder why they have more friends, had more girlfriends, were better liked, have better jobs, do better in school, or have achieved more? BECAUSE THEY ARE BETTER THAN YOU."
Man, when did I get so mean? And why am I only mean to myself?
"IT'S NOT JUST TO YOURSELF. YOU'RE MEAN TO EVERYONE. NO ONE CAN STAND BEING AROUND YOU. THAT IS WHY HE DOESN'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU ANYMORE."
This is what my internal voice sounds like. This is how I talk to myself when I am depressed. When you see me sad and wonder "Well, why can't he just be happy?" This is why. I am not just sad, but actively berating myself. For every happy thought I try to conjure up, I am convincing myself that I am not worth that thought.
So, what should you do for me when I am depressed? "Well, he's pretty sad. I know, I will actively let him know what he means to me and how wonderful he is" seems like a noble enough gesture. Unfortunately it's nobility is its only positive trait. A thought as that, no matter how well-intentioned, would destroy me. Want to hear what the inner-me would say about that?
"Geez, you hear that? That pity? They pity you. They feel so bad about how terrible you are that they are forcing themselves to make up whatever they can or remember whatever scrap of decency you may have shown in the past and blowing it out of proportion just to help you not feel so pathetic. Not only is it sad that they have to go to those lengths, but you're not even worthy of their attempts."
So I would respond with something to dismiss whatever good words are directed my way. What does that do? It fuels the deliverer. They feel with MORE positive words they can break down the tough wall you are putting up. It's kind of like reverse quicksand. In quicksand if you struggle more you sink deeper. With my depression, the more positivity that is thrown at it the deeper I go.
*this post is not as finished as I would like it to be. I had intentions to go more in-depth, and the post itself has been in draft on my blog for a few months now. However, recent fervor over depression and suicide in the wake of Robin William's suicide has spurred me to publish it now, if only to provide a snapshot into the mind of one that suffers from depression. I hope to cover the subject a lot more in the future.
"Seriously, look at your friends. Ever wonder why they have more friends, had more girlfriends, were better liked, have better jobs, do better in school, or have achieved more? BECAUSE THEY ARE BETTER THAN YOU."
Man, when did I get so mean? And why am I only mean to myself?
"IT'S NOT JUST TO YOURSELF. YOU'RE MEAN TO EVERYONE. NO ONE CAN STAND BEING AROUND YOU. THAT IS WHY HE DOESN'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU ANYMORE."
This is what my internal voice sounds like. This is how I talk to myself when I am depressed. When you see me sad and wonder "Well, why can't he just be happy?" This is why. I am not just sad, but actively berating myself. For every happy thought I try to conjure up, I am convincing myself that I am not worth that thought.
So, what should you do for me when I am depressed? "Well, he's pretty sad. I know, I will actively let him know what he means to me and how wonderful he is" seems like a noble enough gesture. Unfortunately it's nobility is its only positive trait. A thought as that, no matter how well-intentioned, would destroy me. Want to hear what the inner-me would say about that?
"Geez, you hear that? That pity? They pity you. They feel so bad about how terrible you are that they are forcing themselves to make up whatever they can or remember whatever scrap of decency you may have shown in the past and blowing it out of proportion just to help you not feel so pathetic. Not only is it sad that they have to go to those lengths, but you're not even worthy of their attempts."
So I would respond with something to dismiss whatever good words are directed my way. What does that do? It fuels the deliverer. They feel with MORE positive words they can break down the tough wall you are putting up. It's kind of like reverse quicksand. In quicksand if you struggle more you sink deeper. With my depression, the more positivity that is thrown at it the deeper I go.
*this post is not as finished as I would like it to be. I had intentions to go more in-depth, and the post itself has been in draft on my blog for a few months now. However, recent fervor over depression and suicide in the wake of Robin William's suicide has spurred me to publish it now, if only to provide a snapshot into the mind of one that suffers from depression. I hope to cover the subject a lot more in the future.
Thank you for posting this. I've never suffered from depression, but we work with people who do and this helps us a lot to understand. Does the Atonement help you at all during your down times - or does that not exist in your mind at the time? Would someone "preaching" the Atonement help at all?
ReplyDeleteThe Atonement helped me personally. I have never had someone preach it to me while in the throes of depression, so I do not know. The capacity in which it helped me is I forced myself to counter any negative thought I had with a rebuttal that had to be 100% founded in doctrine. I would do this in my journal, write each argument back and forth. I am thinking of scanning those in and sharing them.
ReplyDeleteThat would be great - I would love to see the process!!! It possibly could help some people I'm working with!!!
ReplyDelete