Perspective has taken away my memories

When my father died I was sure that I remembered plenty of him. As a child people always commented how hard it must be for me to lose my father at an age that I would not remember much of him. At that time I thought they were crazy, and that I remembered plenty of my father.

As I have grown I have had a chance to compare and contrast the memories I have of my father to those of my siblings, and even other people with the memories they have of their fathers.

As time goes by I realize how right everyone was. I have very little memories of my father. In fact, by now I am sure half of these memories I manufactured myself from all the stories told of my father so many times.

I do miss you dad. I cannot wait to get to know you better.

I promise I am not being stuck up

So many times in my life I run into people that I know. I may have met them in school, on the mission, in church...

And almost every time I hesitate to greet them. Sometimes I pretend not to see them at all and move on.

I promise I am not being stuck up.

I am socially inept. I am depressed. This causes me to question whether or not you really care to see me. So I take the 'safe' road and avoid the interaction.

Please never take it personally.

Today I celebrate a very special lady.

Today I celebrate the love of my life: Nita.

I first met Nita at a college party. All throughout dating her I was blown away by her kindness. My brother Carson and I always spoke of how we would like to marry a girl whose "kindness bangs a gong." That was a line from one of our favorite songs. 

I can say today that Nita fits that description. She embodies all that is good in this world. One of my favorite jokes to tell is that Nita is perfect in every way, except her spelling. And the reason for that is, if she was able to spell well, then she would be translated, for she would have nothing left to work on. 

Through Tommy's birth, life and death, through Julie and Lewis' births and lives, through my own

foolhardiness....

through it all she remains a smiling beacon of friendliness and hope. 

As a sufferer of depression, having her by my side in this battle is second only to the Atonement on the list of things that have helped me the most. 

I am constantly amazed at what my children know, how they behave, and the respect they show. All this from the daily routines, cares, and lessons she gives them in her full-time job as their caregiver. 

Nita has shown immense fortitude and faith in the 4 pregnancies she has experienced. With each one she is stricken with what is called Hyperemesis Gravidarium. This confines her to bed for 3-4 months, drains her body of all strength, and usually required hospitalization so she can receive nutrients directly to her heart. The last pregnancy almost took out her kidneys. Yet despite all this she loves her kids, endures the pain, and sacrifices herself during that time so they can come to this world.

If anyone knows me you will know the wreck I was in my earlier years. Rebellious, disrespectful, hurtful, unfaithful...

Nita has been a powerful example during these 6 years of marriage. And through this example she has inspired me to be a better person. 

She has been beside me for many an adventure. She has been with be for campouts, family outings, walks, talks, movies, games, drives, new CDs, sunsets, sunrises, birth, life, death, love, depression, and laughs. 

And I don't even need to mention how sexy she is ;)

Nita, thank you for everything. Happy 27th birthday. I love you so much!

Are you kidding me? You're not worth anything

is what I tell myself when I am depressed. I don't mean to. I am not actively making that decision to be so mean.

"Seriously, look at your friends. Ever wonder why they have more friends, had more girlfriends, were better liked, have better jobs, do better in school, or have achieved more? BECAUSE THEY ARE BETTER THAN YOU."

Man, when did I get so mean? And why am I only mean to myself?

"IT'S NOT JUST TO YOURSELF. YOU'RE MEAN TO EVERYONE. NO ONE CAN STAND BEING AROUND YOU. THAT IS WHY HE DOESN'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU ANYMORE."

This is what my internal voice sounds like. This is how I talk to myself when I am depressed. When you see me sad and wonder "Well, why can't he just be happy?" This is why. I am not just sad, but actively berating myself. For every happy thought I try to conjure up, I am convincing myself that I am not worth that thought.

So, what should you do for me when I am depressed? "Well, he's pretty sad. I know, I will actively let him know what he means to me and how wonderful he is" seems like a noble enough gesture. Unfortunately it's nobility is its only positive trait. A thought as that, no matter how well-intentioned, would destroy me. Want to hear what the inner-me would say about that?

"Geez, you hear that? That pity? They pity you. They feel so bad about how terrible you are that they are forcing themselves to make up whatever they can or remember whatever scrap of decency you may have shown in the past and blowing it out of proportion just to help you not feel so pathetic. Not only is it sad that they have to go to those lengths, but you're not even worthy of their attempts."

So I would respond with something to dismiss whatever good words are directed my way. What does that do? It fuels the deliverer. They feel with MORE positive words they can break down the tough wall you are putting up. It's kind of like reverse quicksand. In quicksand if you struggle more you sink deeper. With my depression, the more positivity that is thrown at it the deeper I go.


*this post is not as finished as I would like it to be. I had intentions to go more in-depth, and the post itself has been in draft on my blog for a few months now. However, recent fervor over depression and suicide in the wake of Robin William's suicide has spurred me to publish it now, if only to provide a snapshot into the mind of one that suffers from depression. I hope to cover the subject a lot more in the future. 

10 Year Reunion

Had a very fun weekend at my 10 year high school reunion. It was interesting to see everyone again.

In the morning we met up Adam's Elementary school. Many brought their kids and let them play as we all visited. I actually liked this part the best, as we had time to just chat and catch up. I felt very awkward, as I wanted to go talk to everyone, but wasn't sure who would even want to talk to me. People were already catching up with each other as well, and I did not want to butt into any conversations I was not welcome in.

Then in the evening, we all got babysitters and met up at the old High School. Fongs catered, and we played games and voted on class superlatives. Nita and I won as the ones who had to overcome the most since High School, due to Tommy's passing. It was pretty funny when they nominated us, they asked "So anyone want to challenge 'Death of a child?'"

It felt very good telling everyone about his passing. I know many worried that they shouldn't ask about it, but I always love talking about him.

The evening was fun, but it was hard that most came to the evening event, and that is the one where we did not get much 'mingle' time.

But overall it was great, and I really enjoyed myself. Super glad I got to see everyone. 

Yet again, one more weekend camping trip!

And yes, this one is heavy laden with pictures as well :)

We had set up camp at one location, only to find the rest of our group found a better spot and were setting up there. This was our lazy-man solution to get our tents from one spot to the other. 

It looks a little weird in this picture, but we had decided to try out an internet tip for making s'mores. You put the chocolate and mallows in a pan, heat them up, then dip graham crackers in it. I must say, this is now my preferred s'more method. 

Jeff sure had a fun time. We even let him herd some cattle that were wanting to traipse through our camp site. 

Luckily we stayed pretty warm in our tent. Nita was awesome and let Lewis and I sleep in. We had been up a good part of the night, so this was very appreciated. 

I was so happy to have Julie associating with who I like to refer to as my 'second parents.' Ron and Diane Tietjen have played a huge part in my education and growth, and I am really glad that Julie has had some of that now. 

Diane spent a good portion of the morning playing with the kids at the stream

Julie had tons of fun showing her how she could jump into the water

Um, excuse me, sir? I believe there is a baby in my camping gear.

All in all, a great weekend. We are in the camping fever and loving it. 

Camping!

Had a great time camping this week up in the Kelly Canyon area. I left this post more picture-oriented for all the aunties and grandmas out there. Enjoy!